Where I Belong

 

Dog shows are where I belong.

Honestly, I have been unmotivated and reluctant to go back to dog shows this year. After Kelli's death, I really struggled with guilt and anxiety and doubt.

I have struggled with guilt because I spent so much time at dog shows instead of with my friend when she was still alive. Since starting the Poodle breeder journey, being back in the dog world has done wonderful things for my mental health. In the background, I was really struggling with my friendship. Watching your loved one struggle with addiction is a special kind of hell. When she passed away, the guilt of spending so much time at dog shows really consumed me for awhile, as if I could have done anything that would have changed the outcome. If you thought the guilt stopped at Kelli, you would be wrong. When I lost Kelli, it made me realize she was not the only person to get left behind while I was off at dog shows chasing my self-care. Over this past year, I have come to understand the guilt is not fair to myself. I was doing my best, even if I wished I could have done better in hindsight. I have come a long way in forgiving myself this year but I will never stop wishing I had spent more time with her and losing her has made me fear losing anyone else.

I have struggled with anxiety because I have fixated on this thought, “If God would take her just a few short years after I got her back in my life, whats stopping him from taking someone else?” I find myself worrying all the time that I will get another phone call, another text that will shatter me all over again, so I dread leaving my family to do anything fun for myself. I have avoided dog shows. I have avoided and skipped dog training classes. It was a big reason behind leaving my dog training position. I went to one dog show in the summer, and ended up leaving it early, relieved to be on my way back to my family. So where before I was focused on dog shows and self-care, I reversed direction this year to put my family first. I have really enjoyed all this time this year with my family and believe it was exactly what I needed. However, I also know at this rate, I will burn out and feel like running away to dog shows again. I hope next year is the year I finally find balance between the two. Ultimately, I never want to feel like I did not spend enough time with someone important to me while they were alive ever again while still taking care of me, too.

This entire year I have struggled with doubt, not knowing if I was going to continue my journey as a dog breeder and showing dogs. Because of the guilt but also because of the feeling of not belonging. The first time I opened up to someone about the guilt of dog shows, about my regrets, that person misunderstood my words and said certain things, and our relationship never repaired, which made me feel like I wouldn't really have a future or a place in the Poodle breeding community. That person's reaction made me doubly struggle with my guilt. I worked so hard and spent so much time earning those wins and titles on my dogs to impress people and to belong just to see it all come crashing down around me – atleast that is the way it felt at the time – when I could have been spending time with people I cared about. I didn't quit like I wanted to, but I definitely took a step back this year and doubted my journey, doubted my decisions, and doubted my future in Poodles. The year of Covid gave me a great cover as I waded through it and processed all of it. Over this past year I have had to readjust my vision and work towards being okay with it if all my hard work ends up going to waste.

This weekend, as we sat together watching the Best of Show and my kids were blurting out names of the breeds they met and learned about this weekend, I thought about how I was raised at dog shows and all that it taught and gave to me. Although it gave me endless knowledge of dog breeds, it gave me so much more. As I volunteered to steward the dog show, watching my kids interact with club members and exhibitors, and develop a work ethic and new skills, and show dogs, I felt like I was giving them a piece of me. As I watched my family help tear down and clean up after the dog show with the club, I thought about all those dog show teardowns with my childhood dog training club and all the people I was blessed to grow up knowing and the friendships I formed, because of that club, including meeting my best friend Kelli.

Even if my kids only enjoy dog shows with me for a little while and decide to do something entirely different with their futures, I hope my kids find meaningful relationships and form friendships at dog shows. I hope my kids can take something from these experiences and take those lessons with them wherever they go. Just as I did.

I needed this weekend more than I knew. I needed to get back to a show, and I needed to get there with my family. I needed to watch my kids grow at a dog show. This weekend I was reminded dog shows are where I belong, and my family belongs there with me.