Where did all my good friends go?

I try not to be lonely, but I am. I was never without a friend as a child. I have always been one to seek connection. As a child, I found it in many friendships,relationships, and mentorships throughout the years. If I outgrew a friendship, it was because I was growing into another. I was never the most popular person but I always had a group of friends, usually one or two I was especially close to, and usually several casual friends I would regularly spend time with. I like to think I am a very good friend. I will bend over backwards for those I care about. However, I also hold high standards, so its definitely caused people to walk away. I have also made mistakes as a friend, because I am not a perfect person. Mistakes or not, I almost always felt, with the exception of maybe two people, that I was only their first choice when I could do something for them ( i.e. homework help). Every close friend I ever had eventually dropped me for someone they found they liked better, which I don't hold against them. Even my bestest friend dropped me for drugs. And as much as I understand and empathize with the struggle of addiction and pretend she didn't hurt me, it hurt to watch my friend choose drugs over me, twice, even if it had nothing to do with my worth as a friend. Even though it hurt, I was willing to wait for my best friend to come back. Hurt or not, I was willing to understand that friendships grow apart. But when all my friends dissipated along with my youth, and my one final bestie began using the first time or was relapsing the second time, I found myself asking over and over, “Where did all my good friends go?”, and feel quite a lot of despair over being so easily discarded.

As an adult, I never stopped seeking connection. When I met and married my husband, I really tried hard to fit in here. I tried really, really hard to make new friends. For a short while, I did. I had my village. But for mostly reasons that I am just different, I was shooed away from that village. I only belonged there while I was still pretending to be someone I was not.  But I kept seeking. I went to any mom group or activity I could attend. I tried forming my own mom group. I tried really hard to socialize at the parks. I invited people and tried scheduling play dates, time and time again. And I have met some really nice people along the way, but I have not made a friend I can hang out with, that calls me up for a walk, or that I can call when I am having a really hard day. A few times when I really started to like someone, they moved away. I do have some really awesome people, mostly on the internet, but as I have discussed with them.... its different. It's different from having a friend that can just to come over to your house and BE there. I have friends twice or more my age that I genuinely like and feel very similarly too, but the age gap is a stumbling block to creating a close friendship. Maybe its myself that gets in the way, as I just can't imagine that they really want to be good friends with someone so much younger or maybe its me and my desire to have even just one close friend my own age.

Most people go off to college and make life lasting friendships there. I spent my time in college trying to hide that I was being abused by a boyfriend. Most people start their careers and make good friends at their new jobs. My jobs post high school have been hanging out with dogs or teaching people how to better hang out with their dogs, so barely any co-worker interaction there, so not a whole lot of friend making opportunity there. Dog shows were a huge blessing and have met some wonderful people, but again, they are not local and there is a generational gap. The few people my age seem to already have their own clique that isn't accepting new members and even if it were, being a mother whereas they are childless, once again I am just different.

So here I am 30 years old without any remaining childhood best friends, without any college friends, without any close friends from my career or job, wondering if this is the way its just going to be for the rest of my life? Lonely. Because I feel like its too late. Because I feel like I missed my friend-making window of opportunity. Because I am just too shy and too different to make local friends, now. So, I start feeling pretty melancholy without any hope of getting rid of this lonely feeling.

And I feel guilty anytime I start feeling lonely, because I really do have a lot of wonderful people in my life, even if most of our interactions are through text or online or they are not from my own generation. I am also blessed to call my husband my best friend. I am so very grateful that I have such an amazing person to spend life with. I tell myself this all the time.

But I am lonely, nonetheless. Lonely when I think back to what I had with Kelli back in my life. Lonely when I see others with their best friends or friend groups. Lonely when I am reminded what I am missing.

Each and every time I see someone enjoying time with a friend, in my head I am asking the question, Where did all my good friends go? I go through each one of my friends in my head trying to analyze why we grew apart until I "get it" all over again. And when I am done distracting myself with that, I eventually wind up at this last question: Why did my best friend have to die?

Which makes me realize that I am probably the problem. I don't really want to make new friends. I am still holding the space for the friends I have loved and lost, especially for the one that never  really meant to discard or leave me at all.