Good Riddance ?

TL;DR : We are raising our kids to be non-racists, and they are mad.


Some people care enough about you to have the difficult conversations to work through hard feelings and differences; some people just block you. It is hard to find out which one people are, but I think it can be beneficial to learn which one people are. After all, I am an INFJ and prefer to have relationships that are real and deep in my life as opposed to fake and superficial. I prefer to know where I stand with people so I can manage my expectations. I prefer to know, even if its hard to know.

This year, I have unfriended people that I felt no connection or a bad connection with, who made it known they were not enjoying my points of view, or who wouldn't respect my boundaries on the facebook platform. Those I unfriended that I wished to keep in my life, I messaged immediately to make them aware that I meant to maintain a relationship – just one off facebook. I have blocked, and thus removed from my life, some people who showed really bad behavior. But mostly, I had just carefully and silently restricted people's access to my facebook profile; if I did so, it was because I did find value in them being in our lives. It is because I cared enough about our relationship to censor what they saw that they could not understand. I failed at my censorship recently, and have apologized for that failure. So, for a relative to be unwilling to forgive that, skip the unfriending part and jump right to the unnecessary action of blocking without warrant, warning or explanation, really feels like a shunning to me.

Earlier this year, my husband and I made a decision we would not be attending any more extended paternal side family functions while we have our children of color in our home, maybe indefinitely. At my husband's request, I did a lot of friend removing and blocking of people on that side of his family as well because it seemed like any time I made the choice to express myself it became a problem with them. We thought, at least we still have the family connection we feel good enough about on his maternal side so our children could still enjoy a big family and know some of their relatives.

It is important to me, because I grew up without extended family, as they were in another state. My grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles were strangers to me, and it pained me. It was hard to see my friends have these relationships I did not have in my life but wanted desperately. I never wanted to be the cause of that pain for my own children which is why we have stayed in my husband's hometown so distance would not be an obstacle for those relationships to form. When I met and married my husband, I had hoped my children would experience a childhood more like my husbands than my own. Now as an adult, knowing my husband grew up with a big, involved family that met for every holiday, which he still felt disconnected from, I am not sure that not having those relationships were really as big as a loss to me as I once thought. It is hard to say because most of my extended family are still strangers to me even now. But I have seen that knowing extended family, growing up with them around is not some magical loneliness cure that I once thought it was.

So, one of the people who had always felt the most welcoming toward me on my husband's maternal side has blocked me because she misunderstood and/or could not accept something I said.  I am not taking it personal, but it does hurt. For the past decade I have gone to every extended family holiday and gathering, sat mostly alone or mostly quiet until the one of the few people who usually speak to me finally do. I went even though I was so out of place. Ten years I pushed aside my social anxiety, sweated in my shirt, feeling lonely in a crowd of people, and I did it knowing that at least one or two people may talk to me to make me feel included, and that was good enough. And now one of those few people has blocked me.

 I am not taking it personal because although it was a mistake that she saw the feelings I wrote about, I know I didn't say anything wrong. Hearing honest feelings can be hard. I understand her grievance that I made a family issue public. I completely understand that previous generations hold the cultural norm to keep their secrets, sweep it under the rug, and suppress feelings that could rock the boat. I empathize for them as I imagine how hard it is for them to see a younger generation breaking from that tradition. I give that understanding, but I am not going to succumb to the shame she wanted to impose on me for being willing to speak my mind. Afterall, although it is her family's norm, it is not the norm for me. I was raised by a strong woman who spoke her mind, and the older and wiser I grow the more and more thankful I am of it.

So tonight, my husband and I will be sitting down to discuss again our involvement in extended family gatherings on his maternal side with the topic being led by this question: How much do we want to be somewhere where we feel we are not truly wanted or welcome – assuming we get invited at all? Whatever decision we come to, I know my children will have a blessed life filled with fun memories and meaningful relationships with the people that do love us and welcome us. Although we learned one person in particular found us discardable, my husband's mother sat down face to face with us to work it out, proving that she thinks our relationship is worth the work. I hope she continues to do so. My children have the blessings of their Nana and Papa and on my side, Grandma, Aunt and Uncle and their three cousins. Even without extended family holidays, my children already have so much more than I did growing up. I think I turned out okay with a lot less, so I know my kids will turn out even better.

But alas, my thoughts come back to the bigger picture. I can't help but to feel some sadness about how easily others will discard people who think, feel, or believe differently. My husband and I had no other choice to grow up our entire lives in an environment where we were different, a political minority, so we were always bombarded with opinions different than ours, grew use to hearing the feelings and beliefs of others that would hurt our feelings or our hearts, and we just had to learn to bite our tongues, accept those differences and get along. And we have gotten along for so long, but we primarily did it by hiding our authentic selves.

So it is interesting to watch these people who hold beliefs that we never liked but we tolerated for so long, now shun us at the first mention of our own feelings and beliefs that they don't like. Okay, wait a minute, lets back up. We all now I have been sharing my feelings and beliefs publicly and loudly for quite awhile. But the first declamation we gave saying that my husband does and has always agreed with me and that we are raising our children to believe like-wise, is apparently the straw that broke the camel's back. We liberal minded corn folk grew up in  red homes, red communities, and churches hearing that our beliefs make us sinners that will send us to Damnation but we can't grow up to tell them without the consequence of shunning that we are uncomfortable with the way they voted against the very Christian principles taught to us by them?

I cannot make someone understand me that wishes to misunderstand. Nor can I live a happy, healthy happy life feeling stifled and mute about my feelings, beliefs, and principles. My husband can, but we are not the same in that way. I apologized to my husband last night, for being the way I am, and not enough like him to create more harmony with his family.  My husband looked me in the eye and he told me, "I knew this before I married you and I still chose you." Now, normally, I would be thinking in my head, "He is stuck with me and just trying not to rock the boat like he was raised to; he is only saying that to calm me down." But now I know different. Because he is who he says he is. He was who he was before he met me. Because even if he has quietly hid who he really was to his family, he has always been real with me. Yes, my husband chose me. Yes, my husband loves me, all of me, even the parts his family of origin don't. Yes, my husband is happy with me. And I, with him.

If we are to be shunned or discarded for our honest feelings, for believing differently,  and for having the audacity to speak our minds, if we cannot be accepted and loved as we are, my husband says, “Good riddance.” Good riddance sounds harsh. I don't know if we really feel this is a welcomed loss or not. But if it a loss, it is one that happens as a result of being ourselves. So maybe won't welcome the loss of the people, but rather we would be welcoming the permission we will give ourselves to be our authentic selves all the time without fear of their criticism.

If it is good riddance as a result of being ourselves and speaking our minds, I cannot help but to point out the irony of it, seeing as they voted for a man that Republicans praise lavishly for speaking his mind.