I had a really nerve wrecking encounter this morning. I feel bad about it, but yet felt it was necessary.
This lady at Little Miss S's therapy appointments had this child in a car seat. I could tell she was over 1 years old (later learned she was almost 2). I though it was odd a child so old was strapped into a car seat like an infant, especially when not napping. The mom was playing on her phone, which had the volume up. I think she was on tiktok because it was video after video she was playing. The girl started to cry and fuss but the mom ignored her. If she did respond to her child, she was saying No! in a raised voice. This went on for more than a half hour. Everyone else in the waiting room was giving her looks, but no one said anything. I stayed off my phone and waved to the little girl each time she glanced my way, played some peek a boo, and got some smiles but the girl got bored of that after awhile. The mom was in pajamas, unkept, greasy hair, slippers instead of shoes... I thought she needed kindness and patience, but also I was growing increasingly upset watching her ignore and occasionally scold this child strapped in a car seat. I tried sparking up conversation - asked her baby's name, age, etc to see if I could get her to pay attention to her. The mom only wanted to talk about some tiktok video on her phone even as her child fussed. I am trying to make my socially anxious brain come up with anything I can do to help this child while simultaneously offering grace to this mother, but I just can't in the moment. At one point the receptionist had to walk over and tell her to put her mask up. She looks over at me and says, "Aren't you tired of this controlling bullshit?" I calmly said, "No, I'm thankful for masks. A relative of mine recently died because of Covid. I would appreciate it if you did keep your mask on." She huffed and then stopped talking to me altogether. At one point when her child was fussing, she put her foot on the handle of the car seat and shoved it to make it rock, never glancing away from her phone. At this point, I start looking around the room to see if anyone else saw this, seeing this, paying attention.... people are looking but look away when they see my glance. The receptionist walked past again, and I watched her look at the crying child, look up at the mom on her phone, and shake her head, but said nothing as she kept walking. I am struggling with feelings of helplessness at this point. Worried that if I say something, this woman will lose her temper and even take it out on her child now or later.
Meanwhile, I'm in my head. I started imagining Little Miss S in that car seat, her developmental needs neglected and ignored. Started thinking about how upset I am for my little girl who struggles to make the tiniest bit of progress even after a year of therapy services from the neglect during her important developmental stages...I flash back to my cesarean section, strapped down and crying as the nurses and doctors ignored me and laughed about a joke instead. I even thought about myself as a baby and toddler of a mentally ill mother without social supports, as I can imagine myself screaming in a crib and no one coming (actually, maybe its a memory and not my imagination).... And I am getting increasingly mad at myself for not doing anything. So finally, my mouth opened and word vomit happened.
"I have watched you for an hour play on your phone as your child has fussed and cried. You have entertainment. She needs mental stimulation, too. It hurts her to be ignored. Let her out of her seat, bounce her on your leg, look at her, smile at her, talk to her." The lady is looking at me in disbelief. At this point I am shaking and tears welling up in my eyes because I hate confrontation especially with strangers. I continue, "Look miss, do you have a toy in that diaper bag. Can she have a toy?" as my voice breaks. She mutters something about that the girl is just upset because she wants to eat and can't right now, but does search in her bag and finds a toy and hands it to her. The child is happier and I look away and start taking deep breaths to try to get ahead of the oncoming panic attack I am about to have. A few minutes go by and I get myself together. Its about time for Little Miss S to be done with therapy. I get her coat off the rack and stand near the entrance. The lady is now interacting with her child, mostly trying to get her to smile for a picture. After a few minutes the lady says to me, "You shouldn't be so quick to judge." I said to her in as gentle and calm tone as I could but my voice still shaking, my eyes still teary and red, "I wasn't judging you. I know being a mom is hard. I'm not a perfect parent. Everyone needs a break. But after the break, she needs your attention, she needs responded to when she cries. It's important. It was too hard for me to watch for an hour." My daughter came out and we left.
I doubt that lady thought I was a very kind person but I tried really hard to be kind. In hindsight, maybe I could have just offered to let her daughter watch some Alphabet video songs on my phone or something less confrontational. I just know that I couldn't live with myself if I walked away doing nothing. If she so easily acts this way in the presence of strangers, what goes on at home, I kept thinking to myself. I really wasn't trying to judge her... I was just really feeling for the girl strapped down and crying as others around her ignored her. She seemed shocked that a stranger would care enough to say something about her behavior.... so maybe she needed to know people are watching and willing to say something....
I am not angry at that mother. I am not judging that mother. I am just sad. Sad for Sarabell. Sad for that lady who by appearance seems to be having a rough time with life. Sad for my three girls. Sad for their mother, even. Sad for all the children whose parents just don't know any better or can't do better. Sad that I was once the child in a carseat being neglected. Sad for the times I have failed my own children. Just sad.
